just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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