I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
