i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
