there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
soo... how was my night?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
