dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
