I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
