Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
