pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
