the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
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I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
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I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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