Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
