He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
