Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
