I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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