I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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