i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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