my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
