Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
