That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
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Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
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the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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