Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
