Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
