I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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