my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
