How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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