Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
