dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
