The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
