woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
