Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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