Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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