Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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