she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
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EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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