I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
