Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
