'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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