everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
