He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
