the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
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I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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