An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
