how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
