i think i have two assholes
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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