my phone needs a breathalizer
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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