when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
