im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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