Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
