Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
