A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
