we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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