Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
