jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
