Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize