I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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