my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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