Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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