I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Randomize
