Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
