no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Holy shit dude........stairs
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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