I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
