i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
